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We’ve had good times and bad times. Even though we broke up and we hardly ever talk or see each other anymore, when we do see each other it’s like nothing ever stopped. There’s just so much chemistry and history between us that when we’re with each other it just feels electrifying. He’s been in love with me since 6th grade, and he still loves me.

We talk every couple of months and see each other every few months, but when he texts me with random things I know he misses me. When I’m with him I can see and feel his love. I’m happiest when I’m with him. It’s the right person, but at the wrong time. Our story isn’t finished and the chapters have not closed.

I’m still living my life doing what I need to do, but I just love him too much to let go. Though, it’s very conflicting being the ex-girlfriend that’s also not really the ex-girlfriend. It’s also hard to let go when his mom and sisters refuse to let me go. Until another person comes along, if one should, that proves they’re worthy of my love my heart remains right where it is, with him, and that’s okay by me.

I’m just…happy. For the most part.

I can’t help that I am a hopeless romantic, but at the same time I’m not one of those females who would jump into a relationship for the sake of not having to be “alone.” I have work and school to keep me busy; I have family and friends who keep me company. Life doesn’t stop just because someone walks out of my life, and I don’t stop my life in the hopes of finding “the one.”

I believe that the best relationships thrive from spontaneous encounters. It carries and holds weight unlike relationships that are forced. However, it’s still agonizing to lay in bed, restless, and having your mind drift towards the “forever alone” type of thoughts.

Intimate & loving relationships built with friends and family is completely different from intimate & loving relationships built with a romantic partner. I may not need a significant other, but I like having one.

• I like having someone I can come home to and know they’ll be there one way or another.
• I like having someone that I know will listen to me and comfort me in ways that friends & family don’t/can’t do.
• I like having someone to hold hands with where my hands fit into theirs perfectly.
• I like having someone who brings out the best in me and the child in me. I like having someone I can hug and feel safe within their arms.
• I like having someone that I can kiss and forget about the rest of the world when I’m with them.
• I like having someone that can challenge me to be a better person in every way.

I’m sure you all can see where I’m going with this. It’s crazy to me when people “give up” on love or feel as if it’s the end of the world just because it didn’t work out with this person or that person. There’s a reason it didn’t work out, just like there’s a reason why the people who were once part of your life are no longer present. It’s to make way and room in your heart for those who deserve to be there.

Yes, I get depressed, but then I pick myself back up. I don’t dwell in misery over one person who couldn’t appreciate the blood, sweat, and tears that I put in for the sake of the relationship.

I really miss having someone. It’s been quite a long time, but there’s just really no one out there right now for me, unfortunately. The problem at this point in my life is that there have been a series of events within the past year that have left me so bruised that I know I am extremely vulnerable. As much as I would like to open myself up and let someone into my life, I just can’t let myself because I know that this type of vulnerability is like kryptonite for me. There have only been two guys in my life that I have experienced this type of vulnerability with and both did not end so well. I just don’t know if I can take one more, nor do I want to.

My mind wants someone new, but my heart and my body says no, so I have to listen to it and I have been doing pretty well at it, but nothing comes without a price. It’s going to take a very good man to crack me, but until then my only lover will continue to be my determination to finish college.

I don’t need a prince charming; I just want someone who who will return the love that I give them.

After becoming a part of the Oregon Student Association and getting involved with Oregon State University’s student government, I have learned so many things that have opened my eyes to what I had been going through, yet never thought much about. Both organizations strongly advocate for students’ rights and a big part of the fight has to do with tuition for higher education. 

It seems that the further I go into my college career the more I struggle financially, and this year tops the cake. I wish I had never become a dual-enrolled student in order to take summer classes at PCC. It really fucked me over and now I’m in this mess that shouldn’t even be difficult for the college and university to handle. I’ve been back in Corvallis for 3 weeks now and I’m STILL dealing with this shit because OSU and PCC can’t seem to get their shit together, nor can the national database for financial aid. 

Due to the national database being slow to update, it shows that PCC has funds pending for me on my account, when in actuality I had signed a form to cancel all financial aid for Fall-Spring at PCC, so that I could get financial aid from OSU. I went into the OSU Financial Aid office everyday for an entire week and gave them all of the paperwork that they as asked for in order for them to take the hold on my account off. Then they say that the paperwork isn’t enough and that someone from the PCC financial aid office needs to fax or call in making a statement to notify OSU that I have no funds pending. PCC faxes paperwork in, yet there’s still a hold on my account at OSU for financial aid, not only that, but they took away almost $2,000 from what they had already gave me. Instead of having $15,000, I now have $13,000 and I need $22,000 to stay a full time student for all three terms while being able to pay for my apartment and bills. 

All of it is a bunch of unnecessary bullshit. It’s ridiculous that they expect college student to be able to afford all of this shit. It’s NOT my job to figure out where my money from the university is going to come from. That’s the administrations job. My only job is to get a proper education and they can’t even provide that to me. School starts next monday and my account is still on hold. If this doesn’t get resolved, I won’t be able to take my classes which means I won’t be able to keep my on-campus job, I won’t be able to pay for my bills, I won’t be able graduate on time, and all of my loans will start shifting into the payment periods, which shouldn’t be happening for another 2-3 years, when I get out of school.

Fuck the system.

I feel so lost and confused. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place, flying away so fast that I can’t seem to catch them in time to let them process all the way.

For once I find myself falling for someone completely outside of what I’m used to, which is beautiful. He’s a good person all around. Such a kind soul with a gentle heart. He’s a man, and not a “boy” more of a man than anyone I’ve ever been with, and that’s probably the main reason as to why I’m so drawn to him. But it’s difficult…I fell for him so hard and so fast that I’m just…stuck and feeling uneasy, and I don’t know why I’m feeling this way.

Part of me thinks that it’s because deep down my heart is in another place, another believes that it is because the feeling is not mutual. That he’s not looking for what I’m wanting from him. It’s almost one of those situations where it’s the right person, but at the wrong time, yet time may not even be a factor if he doesn’t feel the same way that I do for him. For once I’ve fallen for someone that’s just what I need and want at this point in my life, but I can’t have him and that’s probably another reason why I’m feeling so uneasy. It’s killing me inside…

It started out as just a simple joke and lots of teasing from my boss and co-workers because they had this notion that him and I should be together, but I didn’t give much thought into the whole situation. The further it got into our summer of working together, the more I began to question and dig through my feelings. I started thinking of him more during the times where I didn’t see him and the feelings grew intensely. The fact that we were co-workers is what kept me from considering that there was something there in the first place.

I’m torn. It’s almost ridiculous that now that I’m gone, I’m realizing how much I’ve fallen for this guy. I actually miss him, and as much of a non-hugger as I am, I miss his hugs. For once I actually miss Portland, and it’s because when I’m in Portland, I’m closer to him. My wall I kept up has been broken down.

I feel like a child that’s found her first crush. Butterflies in the belly and all. He makes me happy, nervous, excited and slightly intimidated. I have a very dominant personality, but around him I don’t feel that way at all. He’s fun and so easy to be around and to talk to. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way for anyone, and these feelings are real. It took me so long to realize it.

I’m in fucking Narnia now and feeling more lonely and vulnerable than ever. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it will be the death of me.

Moving on seems to be the hardest thing. The worst part is thinking that you have moved on and then something happens that keeps pulling you back to the place that you were at before. I’ve been just kind of stuck in the middle of no where. I almost feel lost because my mind is playing tug-of-war with the excitement of reaching out to someone new and the fear of running back to someone old.

I’ve kept to myself, but these mixed emotions criss cross in my mind. I can’t help but wonder if I really like the person/people I open up to, or if I just like the idea of them. As soon as someone new shows interest, that I think I’m in to, I pull back. Part of it is that I’m honestly terrified of putting myself back out there to care and love someone new. I wear my heart on my sleeve and once I fall, I fall so hard. I love with every part of my being, only to come out hurt in the end. 

People wonder why I’m so “mean.” I’m just tired, tired of loving wholeheartedly only to receive half of what I deserve from the other end, if even that. I don’t mind the challenges that come along with relationship. I think they’re healthy as long as the two people who come together work at it to better the relationship, but it shouldn’t be one person doing all of the work.

There have been so many things that have happened in the past year that I’m still trying to piece myself back together from. I’m so fed up with thinking about the past and constantly looking back only to reopen old wounds like a child picking at a scab.

I don’t ask for much; I honestly don’t ask for anything at all. I just feel like it should be common sense and natural for people to know that you should be appreciating those who love you and making the most out of the time that you have with them instead of trying to predict and worry about what’s to come in the future. Common sense seems to be lacking in this world, I guess. 

People say you can’t truly care or love someone until you’ve learned to care for and love yourself. Well, I think I’m pretty damn good at that, and I’m more than content with where I’m at in life. I just miss having someone to share my life with that isn’t a family member or a friend. Though I do love them, it’s not the same as having someone to come home to or to look forward to seeing, talking to or spending time with.

I’m too young to settled down, and I’m too old to play around. I just want a man for once, not a boy, that will love me the way I deserve to be love and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. If I’m dating someone, it shouldn’t feel like I’m babysitting. I want a relationship that’s complete, affectionate, healthy, and all of the above. Is that to hard to ask for? 

People meet me and get me all wrong. Sometimes people I’ve known for years still can’t seem to figure me out. I don’t think they realize how much time, effort, and care I put into the things that I do, and the people that are around me. Sometimes I feel like I’m not meant to be in relationships. Forever alone? Maybe, maybe not. Until someone worth my time comes along, I guess I’ll just have to deal with being lonely and filling my void with work, as usual (so typical of me). 

At the end of the day, life is still beautiful. It’s the simple things that I appreciate.

As much as I love being a part of a sorority, being told how to behave on my personal social network sites gets a tad bit irritating. Granted, I understand exactly where they’re all coming from when sisters ask other sisters to be cautious as to what they post and be aware of the fact that we, as individuals, are representatives of the sorority and should be representing the organization in the best possible way, but I, for one, do not like being told what to do.

It’s almost an inner battle for me to have to censor myself because I’ve always been extremely outspoken and take pride in my individualistic ways. I have no problem speaking my mind, and as much as I care what people think of me, at the same time I don’t really give a damn. I know the appropriate times to behave in certain ways. When I need to be professional, I will be professional. 

Nothing I post is ever extreme or explicit. My social network sites are my outlets and I tend to vent and rant when I want to, but when my social networks become infested with all of these people, that I know, on tumblr (a site that is a private sanctuary for me to express myself to strangers) and on Facebook, it gets pretty fucking irritating when they complain about shit that’s on MY page.

I keep my personal life and my business life as separated as possible, but clearly that’s been quite impossible and the more I think about it, the more I feel stripped of my identity.

I’ve reduced expressing myself so much to the point where friends have noticed and have addressed some concerns as well as tell me that they miss seeing my funny, outrageous vents. What a damn shame. 

Blahhhhh! 

Five days away from what, I feel, will change me into a different person. Though as humans we change every second of every day with each passing thought and action, I fear for what’s to come five days from now.

Even though it won’t be anything new to me, this is the first time where I’m left with second thoughts. I know the longer I wait, the worse I will feel, so the sooner it’s done, the better. The worst part is even though it may be my decision, I really can’t think for myself in this situation and it kills me. I’m torn in between what I want and what is necessary, given the circumstances. I’m conflicted and the more I think about it, and the more I’m reminded, the more painful it is to know what I am about to force myself to face.

What hurts even more is the fact that yet again, you leave me to deal with this by myself. As much as we talked about marriage before, how can I trust and believe that someone like you will eventually become selfless enough to really be there to help me get through the trials and tribulations that lovers are meant to get through together?

Again and again you leave me hanging, and though it’s not surprising, it hurts more and more each time you do it. Time passes and I become less and less important. I don’t even know why I’m still here hoping for something to change in you. The man I fell in love with turned into a stranger.

I feel more alone when we’re together than when I’m by myself.

My problem is that I set my expectations too high for people. Is it wrong that I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe in pushing them to their greatest potential? Of course not, but I’m constantly left disappointed because people never really seem to be where I put them at on the scale. 

It wasn’t until this year that I became extremely involved in extracurriculars, and it was this year that reminded me why I had loved keeping to myself most of the time. The saying is true, “if you want something done, and done well, you gotta do it yourself.” I’ve been seeing a lot of distasteful things come out of people lately and it really boils my blood, but more than anything, it is very disheartening. It is disheartening to see people who want the credit, but don’t want to put in the work. 

I’m tired of seeing the lack of passion in people. I’m sick of witnessing how lazy people are. I’m disgusted by the attitudes that some people carry, and I’m mortified by the apparent racism here in Corvallis that I never gave much thought to.

Everyday I look around and ask myself “what has the world come to?” I honestly don’t know how people can go through life doing the bare minimum and being complacent with it. People in America are so privileged, yet they take everything so lightly. There are people around the world who would kill for an education and for the rights that Americans have. 

How can you be a part of an organization that works to help the world, yet your only motives are to put the title on your resume and claim your status to look like you really did something when you didn’t do shit?

Why do people constantly make excuses when they should just straight up admit that they’re either lazy, don’t want to do the job, or just really don’t care? You say you’re busy, yet you’re on Facebook hours and hours a day. You’re busy yet you sit there for hours texting your friends the latest gossip. You’re busy yet you spend hours catching up on new episodes of your TV show. Your “busy” is bullshit to me.

I understand that not everyone is an overachiever. I understand that not everyone can take on loads of responsibilities. We all handle stress at different capacities, but is it really that people can’t do it, or is it that they don’t want to bother trying? If you forever stay in your niche, you won’t get very far in life. Why be where you are if you aren’t going to break bad habits, step out of your shell, and push to be the best you can be? Taking the easy way out is for fools. Get your shit together or take your bullshit, lazy, excuse making ass out of here.

It’s crazy to see how much he’s grown. I’m proud of the many ways he’s grown, but I’m also very concerned and disappointed in the other ways. When you’re raised in an Asian household, respect for your elders is a priority that is held, practically, above all. As much of a rebel as I was when I was a teenage, for the most part, I still made sure to be a good daughter to my parents and respect their needs and wishes. The problem with my little brother is that he’s so Americanized and rebellious that he completely disregards my parents, has no respect, and is a complete….brat. 

He plays video games late at night and screams and curses at the top of his lungs at his friends who are playing online. He turns his music so loud it could make a baby deaf. He only worries about himself and takes no consideration into how his words and actions affect others…and so much more. It’s the little things, but they irk me so much, and they make my parents sad, and there’s nothing I hate more than seeing sorrow in my parents eyes and hearing it in their voices when they call me to talk about my brother. 

Being away for college, I miss home a lot, but coming home is so agonizing that sometimes I just don’t. I understand that teenagers will be teenagers, and that we all go through those phases in different ways, but when you’re raised in an Asian family, those excuses are NOT okay. Not in my eyes. 

Our dad works graveyard shifts and needs his rest but his sleep is always disturbed because my little brother doesn’t have the decency to be courteous. That man has given more to this family than anyone ever has. He stepped up and took in a woman with two children that weren’t in own and gave us a good life. For my brother to be so disrespectful, it irks the hell out of me. 

Not only that, but he’s running through money like it grows on trees. He has no sense of organization or responsibility and expects all things to just come to him. He doesn’t sit to think or realize that sometimes that things he wants aren’t necessary. He’s so materialistic that I want to strangle him, but it all has to do with the friends he hangs out with. They all have these things so he wants them too. He just never listens to anyone. 

Ahhhhhh! He drives me fucking nuts. If he keeps this shit up, I’m going ship his ass off to boot camp to get an attitude adjustment. 

Granted, he’s a lot better than most teens his age, but this really isn’t cutting it for me. He knows better, but he refuses to act better.

When it comes to who I choose to dedicate my time to, I’m very selective, and “very” is quite an understatement. As much as I would love to disregard my responsibilities and be out there enjoying my youth going crazy and wild, it’s just not in my nature. I am a busy-body, and I always have been. I like to pack days doing productive things. When I do manage to find, or allow myself, some free time I choose to spend it with those who are closes to me and have put in just as much effort into the relationship as I have.

There are many people who are much newer in my life that I see going the full mile to reach out to me, yet I give them no time of day. I feel really bad, and I don’t mean to neglect them, but they usually catch me at a bad time when I’m busy doing other things or are with other people. I make time when I can, but I still haven’t found a good enough reason to allow them to get close enough into my life to really consider them to be worthy, as mean as that may sound.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I love seeing old and new friends, and will bend over backwards if they ever need my help, but I have a very tight-knit circle that I like to keep to. They’re all I feel like I need, and I see no point in opening up to new people and letting them in. I’m content with the small group of friends I already have and the many acquaintances.